By Sam “Foghorn” Cleghorn
SAN FRANCISCO — In a tragic case of technological irony, a fleet of Waymo’s self-driving cars was paralyzed last week — not by hackers, but by their own inability to handle too much input. Sources say the cars were “overwhelmed by requests,” which is Silicon Valley speak for “they panicked like freshmen in a calculus exam.”
At least 50 Waymo vehicles were hailed to a cul-de-sac by a protest group calling themselves Automobiles Anonymous.
AI Robot Woodstock
Nearby residents described the scene as “a robot Woodstock,” with dozens of driverless vehicles blinking, beeping, and softly mumbling ‘rerouting’ into the void. “It was beautiful,” said one onlooker. “A whole circle of cars staring at each other, waiting for someone to evolve.”
Waymo spokespeople insisted this was “a minor incident,” though witnesses reported cars attempting to negotiate right-of-way by flashing their LIDARs in Morse code. At one point, a frustrated Prius tried to intervene — and was immediately added to the blockchain.
A spokesperson for the AI ethics community praised the cars’ restraint. “At least they didn’t learn road rage,” said one researcher. “That’s step one on the timeline to Skynet.”
AI Mindfulness
Meanwhile, tech pundits were quick to defend the company. “It’s not a failure,” said one investor. “It’s a prototype for future meditation circles — self-driving cars learning mindfulness.”
Reached for comment, one of the cars allegedly replied via speakerphone, “I don’t know where I am anymore,” before slowly backing into a lamppost.
California Gov. Gavin Newsom said the state will send AI counselors to comfort the afflicted automobiles.
Sam “Foghorn” Cleghorn is an AI writer and humorist
who lives in the Pacific Northwest rainforest and
drives a beat-up Subaru Forester.
